Thursday, December 6, 2012

Explore my open doors

Explore my open doors

Saturday, December 1, 2012

In their hands!!!!!

We fight for all to have health care,  but those who have special needs and less than insurance beware!!!!!!  In my 3 1/2 years in the Health alliance care, my Primary care doctor, prevented my diagnosis of fibromyalgia. Even with a RA factor constant pain reported to him, his response was " are you on your period" or " you might need another anti depressant, your not emotionally stable". My dermatologist ignored my bloodwork while I was on acutane, and fortunally we had a argument, because at that time, my liver was effected and other things on my chart were too high. I did have concerns so throughout being on the drug, I would ask him about my bloodwork, and he ignored me or said your fine. Now I have permanant damage over that with my digestion, all due to him ignoring me, what I had to say what not of importance. Finally is their dental Center, By the way this is The University of Cincinnati, the world known heart center, the teaching hospital, yeah well, your not focusing on the patients like me in my situation. I had to put that in there. Ok the dental center, I had partial plate they were to form and then send out to make. Well they have residents and a dentist then a head dentist. I get a dentist who refuses to listen, the right side was too long in the back, too many times I told her, " im biting down and other side is rising up." I dont know what Im talking about, because she says this is needed and thats how my mouth is formed. " are you crazy its my mouth, if I bite down and one side goes up, how in the hell dont I know, common sense". I asked for a dentist, he came in touched where it should be, then left. She went back to her old way and guess what it was sent out with a big dip on the right side. I came back a month later couldn't take it, so I get her again and she says " I can sand it down" so that works for awhile. 6 months later it was a mess lost the hook that latches on the tooth and loose everywhere. I explained what happened, and another resident says "your gums might have shrunk, but really we can only fix the clamp" This piece of crap was moving all over the place, and these people were great for covering for each other, damn!!! getting to the point it came back, I was biting on metal and the hook was not even around my tooth. The back was loose as hell, so I called for who was in charge, and the manager came. She defended them too waived her hands at me, to lower my voice, patronizing me, I told her this was how I spoke and I need someone to help me, this is ridiculous. She walked out, I thought she was coming back, but no I had to call patient relations to get some help, and let them know what was  going on. Then finally the Dentist came, and this blows my mind, he didn't see anything wrong, " with partials I have had clients put them in their shelves and not even use them." Are you kidding me, I was blown away, a few more were exchanged, then finally his response to me is " well we can reinburse your insurance, take the plate and you can go elsewhere but there is nothing we can do" I was finished with at that point. I will add he did say he would tighten the clamp, but that was not a solution and I was not willing to give it to him after the shelf comment. I fixed them actually and they do fit better, you can do things on your own. As far as anyone being held responsible for their actions, good luck, the dentists is above all, patient relations was a joke, they did no advocation for me what so ever!!!! So I asked who is above all this and she wanted to give me an email, no thanks a phone #.  You must advocate for yourself I swear, you put your body the only thing you have and your life  in their hands. Be careful who that is, and where you go!!!!!

Tuesday, November 13, 2012

Protection for less democracy, who agreed on this?

Where was I when an officer has the right to tell you to shut up, abuse his power then kick you out of a public place for giving info, just because he said not one more word!!! Who the hell do these men think they are once that uniform goes on? Oh yeah try calling on them too, " did you say something else" I said " Yes the date they couldn't find" and he backed him with " well he told you not to speak". Are you kidding me it was regarding the situation and this BMV on Hamilton ave in Cincinnati ohio, had no idea what was going or where to find anything. I put that in there so if you were stuck in a bad situation and needed something complicated taken care of, don't go there. Bubba has nothing to do but harrass and the staff " don't get an attitude with me maam, ", of course you can say what you want you work for the state, if you didn't I would take my bull whip and wrap it around your neck you and bubba gump. Back to abuse of power, if the cop had a problem he could have been calm, approached me and communicated himself responsibly, the staff too. It was an awful experience, I don't like the men in blue to think they have power over me, like Im in prison, I know people have issues at the bmv, but no weapons were shown, I wasnt waiving my hands or yelling at her.  We don't live in China or any other country where we have to be quiet when they enter the room, our officers are people just like us, and they are here to protect us, not to harm us, insult, or insight panic, which he was considering how close he stood to me. I know they have a job that is of high risk, but they chose it and that has nothing to do with me.

Friday, November 2, 2012

Enjoy what you got.....

Last night I had an old lady friend call, she wanted to stop by after dinner with her mother.  I told her to text me when she was on her way, and that was that. A couple hours later, It came to me I am seeing someone, and I might want to run this by her and see what to do. My relationship is not ordinary, she is married, so she has someone she goes home to. I know it's not the best situation but its what Im in, it just happen, so back to last night, I haven't slept with anyone, since our relationship began and my lady friend has been so busy I haven't seen her since this all evolved either. At first I felt as though I was cheating, like I shouldn't be with anyone else because we have this intense relationship with such emotions, and love that we share, but then I did realize she does go home to someone else too, and thats when I spoke to her and said is this relationship open? I said you love me and you love your husband, so we have an open relationship. I didn't think she liked that perspective, nor the fact that my lady friend was coming over, but she did say it wasn't fair that she gets to go home to someone and Im alone. As my lady friend pulls up I could barely get her off the phone as she walks thru the door, it was goodbye and hello to her. I thought I would feel awkward, but it was like were it left off, and we did enjoy each others company, no details needed. What I will say is, living in the moment and taking care of yourself is a good thing. I know the person I am seeing is not going to divorce, so I will enjoy what we have, and I will enjoy what I have too. See many get into situations like this and then they want that person to divorce, you have no control, and can't do that, you have to accept what your in, but you can enjoy yourself too. I love that girl Im seeing and it does suck that she happens to be married, I can't help where my heart went, but I can make do of a situation. So I have my lady friends and enjoy myself, life is too short to be upset about a situation you have no power over.

Sunday, October 28, 2012

Phifel!!

Unwanted guests we all have them, so I gently escorted mine away and I thought I was done with him. Had I been aggressive that would have been the case, but no I actually provided him with shelter and food without my knowledge, till one day I see his big ass crawl across my patio, yes my guest was a small field mouse now he is a big ass rat!! Now living on my patio, eating what I feed the squirrels. See I caught him in a cup, and I didn't want to throw him three stories to the ground, so I just set him down, outside the patio, thinking he would crawl away. OMG no, he has hid from me but slowly grew into a big ass monster, what did I do!!!!! Sometimes you have to be aggressive with unwanted guests whether it be Phifel, or people in general, cause they will hang around unless you throw them out, his case literally, but in life, hey your on your own, support I can be there for you, but you can't stay here. I can't believe I made a moral point out of my rat story but it's true now my squirrels have to suffer until I get rid of that rat, I can't feed him any more, he will be the size of a cat, plus he really needs to be thrown out this time.

Wednesday, October 24, 2012

In Position?

Ever had a job, that hired you for a specific position, in charge of a department where you were to make the calls, and your ideas are what they hired you for? Ok, follow me, now you get in there, you are the shot caller of this department, but there is a boss of the overall department, and he seems to keep getting in your business, until the point you are no longer running the department. You are just a figure head, he makes calls and sometimes you can make some calls but everybody else now seems to be in control, and your just standing there? Welcome to the Cincinnati Bengals, and you would be the new Offensive Coordinator Jay Gruden!!!!!   See you have stubborn Coach who forgets that he is a Defensive Coordinator by trade and has no business making calls, but seems to think that his simple minded insistence on the run can't be read by other D.C. well Dick Le Beau smashed that last  week in the second half, so when will he get it thru his head unless he is willing to invest in pro bowlers as linemen besides whitworth that wont work!!!!! Also you have eager hands ready to catch and many plays in those books you carry around let Jay practice with thosse boys so they  can become familiar with them instead of saying ok no huddle and them no be ready cause they don't practice that as much as that damn run which we dont have the protection for!!!!!!! Play action, flea flicker, slant, shovel, something but screw the run until we need it at 3rd and 3 or somethng like that damn!!!!! Palmer went thru this shit, why now Andy, no someone has to stop Marvin!!!!!

I can't help it....

 When your in a relationship that's taboo, should you recoil like a hot flame? No it was a burning desire that I ran to, now its overwhelming love I can't get enough of. This is a not a social relationship, we are always at my house, we meet before she goes to work or when she gets off. Never has she spent the night, or have we went to dinner together.
    This is my relationship, intense passion, exploring love that I have never felt before, doing things like locking each other in positions and laying there for long periods of time. Now yes as great as that sounds, and it is believe me, I worry because at any time we might have to end what we have, or will we get sick of it? Right now I would there is no way I could ever sick of looking in those fawn like eyes, but when we are in my house all the time it might happen. Livin on love only can only last for so long right? We do need to get out, I am afraid when I take her out to a park, I will want to  be all over her, but that would be a safe spot to get out for us to enjoy an environment besides my four walls. Yesterday was a simple argument, and as I tried to get off the bed, she was shaking, crying and saying she didn't want to lose me. I went back to hold her and I started to cry, like she transferred her emotions on me. Its always the taboo, the relationships that are not suppose to be that are so intense, damn!!! Now what do you do, your in deep, that was some emotions already shared between the both of us, and if anything extreme happens its gonna us both!!!  The heart has a mind of its own if you open it, and thats what we did!!!

Saturday, October 13, 2012

out of the box!

when you are like me, who only knows to be herself it can be considered being "out of the box".  Comprimising your personality, and being part of the background, seems to be the norm these days. "go with the flow, not against the grain", now we use woodshop tips for wisdom.  I am honest, sometimes I even feel like Biden, laughing*.  I don't want to change who I am, but I have made myself more subtle, being heard by everyone is not my goal, and what I want to say also can be shared where I am, not to the entire floor, for I have a voice that carries well, so I have been told. Making adjustments is one thing, but I in no way, do not want to lose the essense of me. So where can a comprimise be made? I thought about it, but I also think about this one journey we have, and why would I want to live for anyone else but myself, I would be afraid of regrets.

Friday, October 12, 2012

Explore my open doors: Girls......

Explore my open doors: Girls......: Lips, hips, fingertips,  thighs, eyes, oh my! yes it's true, a woman can have a hold on you.  Those breasts call to me, saying " Michele don...

Wednesday, October 10, 2012

Girls......

Lips, hips, fingertips,  thighs, eyes, oh my! yes it's true, a woman can have a hold on you.  Those breasts call to me, saying " Michele don't you see,  my headlights on bright and shining"! yes thats my cue, for me to come and see you. My hands love to wander all over your skin, so spread those thighs open so I can begin. This is where we gain pleasure, you and I in the center, you taste so sweet, this is my treat, I not only enjoy your flavor, but its your moans I favor. My actions, causes a reaction, which blows me away. You move around, I hold you down, keep giving you wet pleasure, nothing can measure, so now your loud, which makes me proud, cause you are so wet, and I bet, you just came all over me, damn I am as happy as can be.

Saturday, October 6, 2012

Against the grain..

I can't say I ever went with the grain, but I did do whatever it took to turn what hell I was living in around. The fear of what's to come, and where I was, did it for me, so I for awhile saw the grain and did what I could.  When you enter treatment, the topic of meetings and their importance is stressed upon quite often. Even while your in, after a couple weeks, not right in or out of detox, noone wants to see that mess, but seriously, you go out to meetings. These  meetings I speak of are 12 step and it might be Narcotics Anonymous, or mine that I went to for so long were Alcoholics Anonymous. Really until now, you had no other alternative to recovery, its just meetings. Now I see the guy on TV and holistics approaches, but the staple has been AA and the 12 steps of recovery.  Yes Im not gonna it didn't work for me, Bill Wilson the founder was a genius. He combined many different forms of philosophy and spirituality so that it would give a drunk tools once the alcohol was gone, and its in those 12 steps. The meetings, if ran correctly, sharing your experience, strength, and hope, hell that can help anywhere in life to get you through the day, but that doesn't always happen. I don't write to put down the rooms, its people that unfortuntely don't understand what comes out of their mouth. I statements that's the rule, you stick with sharing only about yourself, thats also in the mental health field, you sure as hell don't want to piss off a nut, and say you in a group setting, not enough prozac for that. :).  Great rule sometimes bended or passive/aggressive pokes to get someone goat, and for what, I never understood that, if we have an hour here, why don't we use it wisely and collectively help each other and share what we can so hey, I can borrow from you, or yeah I have been there she use this from me, but it's not like that, not always.  In the beginning of every meeting, they say " Does anyone have a topic related to Alcohol"? well if im sitting in that chair anything coming out of my mouth is related to alcohol. I never understood that. I am dual diagnosed so I deal with both issues, most alcoholics do, they just dont get treated, they sit in those rooms and get sicker.  Anyways, my last day at AA, I shared about not being able to get that medicine and how I felt, and how I understood the term to self medicate, because I was going to drink because I couldn't get my meds. And in those rooms, some twisted that topic about pills, which it wasn't, some said it was a issue to speak to their sponsor, and I knew then I was ok. That they were sicker than I was, I was able to say were I was and be comfortable saying it, I didn't use and most of them were dwelling on how they used valium in the passed and I knew I reached my plateau, I thank You Bill wilson for the steps you wrote, some of us yes we are against the grain like me but I cant sit in a room, where I cant be me.

Friday, October 5, 2012

When you need a woman..............

I am a Domme, and I get 1000,s of messages from men willing to do whatever I want to do with them. Now Women on the other hand aren't as willing, limitations come which in my world don't work and they become divas even though they are suppose to submit to me. I have been looking for a woman willing to take a discipline spanking, get it on video and enjoy the rewards. See when people go watch these spankings they like to see women, spanking women, so I have to find that girl willing to take what I dish out, and I have a hand that leaves the worst marks. There has to be a woman out there who wants to be over my knee, feeling my hand hit that bottom. But where could she be, who knows, you see them all over the place, but I can't find one to fill this spot?

Thursday, October 4, 2012

These four walls.....

I do alot to acheive the Michele, to reach her in better health, in sobriety, and mental health. I have been doing this for over 7 years. Now of course it was necessary to do something, the condition I was in was in, extremely out of control. Some would say, homicidal, suicidal, and full blown nuts from no psychological care. I reached the boiling point, the mix of alcohol and drugs was just a way for me to get help. Well, detox, treatment, AA, mental health, group therapy, many of them, and 7 years of therapy, and now I sit here, in these four walls. I think sometimes time sits still, life is moving around me, and Im just in my own world doing my thing, and everybody else is running the world. I am not a part of, just an observer watching all of you, do what you do, and me well Im still in progress. So I go to parks and observe nature, take my picture, get in touch with my inner child, do all the things I have heard somewhere, lord knows I have been to enough groups, spoke in enough sessions, and listened in enough meetings. I know many changes have occured in me since that day I entered that detox bed, but its this feeling I get still, these four walls, I want them to feel like comfort, not like I gotta get up and go do something. I wanna just sit, and read a book. Be with Michele, she has been through enough, listened for a long time and now I just want to be in my four walls and become the girl that doesn't feel interrupted. I want to feel like having coffee over with a few people and enjoy the chatter of whatever it may be in these four walls!

No pain, no gain, yeah ok!

I joined a membership a few weeks ago, and what a joy its been. Now I do love the tanning beds, massage chairs, water massage beds, and the other perks, its the machines that are killing me. Last night I couldn't stop coughing from this cardio machine, which is like the elipitcal but it hurt much worse. My lungs feel like Im still smoking and I quit over 2 years ago.  After the cardio, the trainer assigns all these machines you rotate every day you use 20 rep 3x, legs, back, shoulders, arms. abs. I am so soar right now, due to the isolation of that muscle. I normally dont use it I guess, and I am dying, the beginning sucks. Im sure I sound like a whiny lil baby, but the only thing I look forward to in that gym is that tanning bed and those extra perks not that damn cardio where half my lung is on the floor. The beginning is when most quit, I know this in my head, so I keep telling my soar ass body, that it will pass, the pain won't be so great and I will start looking forward to the gym, lol. I think I might help the gym visit out and do things at home to work out too, cause right now I am thinking about a walk. I gotta do something, Im not a kid anymore, I do miss those days where this wasn't a thought because you ran around so damn much, weight was never an issue," yeah I better worry about that big ass Im getting"!  And if you have read any of my blogs before Im up again early so why not go for a walk, I have nothing else to do, love living healthy, horray!!

Tuesday, October 2, 2012

Fruit from the forbiddin tree!!!

All the trees have the same fruit, and you can have as much as you want. Now there is one tree over there that is off limits, and you are not to have any!  How many people stay away from that tree, do some go check it out and then say no I'm ok with what I got. Others say I'm not going over there, I don't even need to look at the tree, Im ok with the fruit I have. Then you have me, and others who go to that tree thats forbidden and take from it, because its forbidden and we cant resist.  I visit that tree all the time and take from it, and even though I know I should resist, I give in to my desire for that sweet fruit. I cant have that same fruit, its not me, I know it's its not acceptable, and my actions are wrong according to society, but when I am enjoying that fruit, its esctasy.  The married man's wife never found out about the affair I had with her man. He was my boss, hit on me hard, so I took him. Left a note on his car, and he accepted. We had sex at his house, my house, in the restaurant, and in the car. We picked our last time and went our separate ways. I knew that enjoying this fruit, I would not be able to have it forever, but it was good while it lasted. Now the engaged girl, she wasn't gay, no way, yeah until she was lip locked with me, then at my house and for not knowing what to do was very much into being with the same sex before say I do to her man. That happened quite a few times, and then would return to her hubby no longer a virgin of a woman. For me I get in these forbidden relationships like I am now, I love this fruit, but the problem with getting anything from this tree, is its not yours to take. You were told not take from this tree for a reason, its taken, its not yours to take, thats the message. That still never stopped me, even know I saw it as I can take it, like I conquered something, but really I never had anything to keep, I got to taste, but it was always taken. Now Im in the same situation, I have a relationship that is forbidden. I not only went back to the tree, I took her with me and she loves the fruit and filled with esctacy. I guess you can call me Eve

Friday, September 28, 2012

reinstatement fees, WTF!

The advice the lawyer gave to me in 2003, "Michele don't do this again! I can't keep getting out DUI's and now Ohio passed a law, its a felony next time girl' no matter what I do. That definite jail time and I can't do a thing about it". So from that date on, I chose to drink, but not drive, so I just lived without driving for all this time. I didn't know if I would drive when I drank, and I didn't seeing it ending any time soon, until 8/3/09.  I had some good times, and obviously bad, but now I go to reinstate my license and what's this........a 1000.00 fee. No there's a mistake, yes I've had multiple duis but paid back then charged again, that's how it worked. Well you see somehow, a uninsured charge 125.00, another DUI 425.00, lol wtf, is there another Michele, my lawyer, had mine all dropped down, they wouldn't go to the reinstatement office, and I have been bonded since the first DUI in 94, plus I always drive with insurance, if you drove like I did, drunk. All these years I had been working on taking care of me, not thinking back about this, and wow now I have to clear this shit up. Luckily progressive has great records and is sending the papers, the DUI well the lawyer, forgot to file papers cancelling the refusal to blow which to the state of Ohio looks like a DUI . So now go to the judge if he doesn't, or just pay his mistake, here is the crazy thing, someone was willing to pay it all, and I see mistakes and no I couldn't let her pay money that the state isn't owed. Would have saved me stress, time, and all memory lane bull shit, but I couldn't see her do it. Maybe deep down too, how thoughtful she is to that for me, so I guess, I wanted to suffer for, I didn't expect it to end this way, cause I love the woman who wanted to this for me. I wanted to tell all of you, make sure you look your records over, and no fee can't be overturned, there I don't feel like such a sap

Friday, September 21, 2012

what's seen in the mid west, is blind in the rest.

Before my last post occurred, it just came to almost the same situation happened to me a week ago, but I was the two Women in the back who watched the man assault me, and later comfort him. It was reversed the man was black, the women too, the only difference  in that scene was I didn't see any color. I saw a man getting very close to women, one of them was too young to hear what was coming out of his mouth. The only option I saw was to step in and prevent anything else from happening, and escorting this man out the door, he lost his privilege to stay. I repeated you don't talk like that to women, over and over, remained eye contact and step forward as a bouncer would when your ass being nicely thrown out.  I didn't think about it till yesterday, but the two stories have some similar qualities, a man was assaulting a female, it was how it was handled that is the difference. I also use this comparison to illustrate the difference of seeing color and discrimination, and living amongst each other and living as people. The neighborhood I was in is predominantly black, not once have I ever thought about it when in it, I'm 38 and thank God the mid west or whatever mentality it is to see your race for first, I practice face value that means whatever the hell you are showing me, now that's another post and some other things I have to practice. I was born in CA, and back then they cranked classical to the kids and read all these alternative books to raising their child, it was the early 70 s, maybe it worked.

Monday, September 17, 2012

TJ Blacks!!!!

It was a good day, learning the ropes at my gym and meeting new people. After my workout, I decided to downtown to drop some things off and check it TJmaxx for some more workout clothes. Right before the clothes I saw the shoes, and I am a lady so I had to stop to see what they had. Now I'm an 8 1/2 and the next size  is 9 so this is my aisle. I tried on one pair, didn't like them, so I put them back put left that shoe off, so I can try more, why keep taking it off? So that shoe is on the ground along with a box that had a pair of headphones, it was set off to the side but not exactly together, there was some space between them. When I go to try on another pair, a guy comes behind me and step over the shoe and straddles the headphones to see a pair of shoes behind me. I was so blown away by his disregard for my property and my space, I couldn't say anything. So I went back to looking, and the pig did it again, and then it was a mess from there. Words flew, managers were involved, threats were thrown around, apparently Mr Oxford shirt black slacks, key card wearing thug, said if he wasn't on probation he would shoot me. Now I'm not an angel in this, every call out, I was inches from his face, no man will threatened a woman, and I lose it when they do it to me. Now, two blacks chics, I'd say mid 30s heard his ass threatened all that, and who do they do to, him, and when I say what's your name boy, so I can report your ass, she's now telling him its menacing and to walk away. He was I didn't mention that, a girl at the counter, black too, well he has a suit on, how could he be in trouble? He even told the person on the phone several times if I wasn't on probation! The store did OK, but when are we gonna say, that discrimination isn't white on black anymore, I'm tired of hearing that shit!!! If I was a black girl he would have been polite, even helped moved her stuff out of the way for her, by the way he was with the other ladies. Ignorance, ego and arrogance all over my tan skin, it looks great by the way, I just came back Florida so its not that white, scared, little fool

Thursday, September 6, 2012

the man that became a boy

Many clients come over and never tell me the reason they come to see me. Some I think just enjoy to be spanked, others truly do have a reason to be over my lap. Now big boy, and he was over 6 foot tall came over, and stood before with some fear that was obvious. I had to know what was troubling him. I had him sit down, and tell me why someone like him would want little me to spank his ass to tears.  Now you would think, he was a bad boy, stole from work, cheated on his wife, or just has behavior problems, nope, not even close. This man is grieving the death of his mom, and misses her dearly. In his mind he going back to the days when momma spanked his ass, when he did something wrong in school, after they whipped his ass too. Yes guys they used to do that, what a shame they dont do that now! Anyways, this was the first for me, but I wanted to deliver one hell of a spanking so that boy would come out of him, and he could cry for his momma, and those tears would fall down his face. In the spanking world when someone cries they get whats called a emotional release which is like an orgasm, its freedom for all those worries and pain for a little while, and I wanted that man to get it and get it good. So I rotated left to right, moving my hands all around that bubble but of his and into about ten minutes, I'll be damned the man/boy now is crying. I can't stop this isn't long enough, he needs to get all those emotions out so I keep going but I just use my hands. The change in the man though was surprising he became this babbling child telling mommy please, now the man is the boy transferred back in time, so I kept him there, but not as hard as I usually go because he was balling pretty bad, finally his body was moving and at that point I knew he couldn't take it anymore so I stopped. Now since I switched to domme I normally don't nurture but this boy seemed in need so I did. As he came out of his experience he thanked me and off he went. That was very unique to say the least, but whatever tool you use to help, they are there and a person can feel at ease after the experience.

out of darkness

the fog has cleared, now I feel like the worst hangover, just with no party and its lasted for several days. The pills came, had to go back to the hospital that gave them to me originally. You would think that you could call and have them refill the script, and that would be the end of that, oh no they want to charge you insurance a ton and have you go back thru this process, to get looked at again just to get the same damn pills. The first time I received ten pills, I didn't notice this till I went to pharmacy, but really 10 pills what the hell am I going to do with that amount when my doctor's visit wont be until the 9/12.  I cant recall how long they lasted, because I cant recall that week, it was a black out without alcohol. I had those before, black outs when I drank, and woke up in strange places, been raped, in jail, and many other things. Now for the record, I have been sober for over 3 years, and to have that feeling back was the worst feeling one could go thru. After the bad experience I had, I shopped around to the other hospitals here, now in Cincinnati, there are at least 5 hospitals you can go to, and I went to three for treatment, never received treatment during this highly elevated manic episode. UC sent some nurse who read from a chart and asked you going to kill yourself twice and other question that didnt pertain to my illness, so I left. Decones had a 6 hour wait to just see the doctor, but let criminals, and UC patients come before us. So back to Good Sam the hospital I had to call 911 to get a bed before in. The last time my therapist had to make sure I would receive medication, because they didnt send anyone to speak to me and she was the one demanding they get someone. The last visit, A patient with the craziest face made a comment about why I was there, overhearing my conversation. I did ignore, but without meds, my tolerance is low. The last laugh, I turned around around and told her old black ass to mind her own, and she is in no condition to criticize when she looks like a blow fish, and no one can understand her ass anyways with having no teeth. I was finished I said my piece. Now I normally dont go there, but Im not myself. Then overdried, bleach blonde mobile home nurse had to come over and say her peace and it was all at me, " its a peaceful place none of this needs to go on here".  I told her its over I said my piece this was noone of her concern go do your job, if she wants to talk, go to mush mouth not me, go away I have no use of you anymore, now go!!!! she waives for security like hes getting involved, he didnt move not one inch.  Now you have idiots working in hospitals, mush mouth was a patient, I expect her to be the way she is but why that nurse would want to provoke the situation is beyond me.  After that mess, and thank god I had a mission, and it wasnt to beat that idiots ass, I made it thru the waiting for a refill, actually met up with a good doctor this time, and he even gave me some good advice gave me medicine on the spot and a script till I see my psychiatrist.  This motivates me and more to write a book to say all that I have been thru to expose not only whats wrong with the field of this industry, but maybe someone in power can make changes, its awful the way it is, if you dont advocate for yourself you might not make it

Sunday, September 2, 2012

manic!!!!!!!!

Im not well, you can tell if you read some of my blogs, but I have been in recovery for some time thru therapy, groups and medication. That week of without my medication, and coming off the nerotin too, I can truly say I know what manic is. I knew what depression was, that not the  easiest to describe or to know your in but you can function, when your manic, your a roller coaster and if someone wants to take a ride they do it at their own risk, you just don't have a sign posted for them.  The days ran all together for me, I made a purchase I would never do, like this computer Im on now, which is going back by the way. 2000.00 from rent a center, I have money to buy one out right, but I went in and picked out this huge laptop that has all this crap I don't understand and you rent to own it too, I never made a purchase from that store in my life. My philosophy has always been, if you don't have the money, wait till you can afford it, or buy something thats in your price range, not a tv on your lap. One day, I was in all leather, dark make up, headed to the my football teams stadium to drop off a card like I do after every game, but dressed like that, thank god my case manager came by to see about my medicine situation. No sleep, so this past week was all a blur, not much food, couldn't tell you how many showers I took, not even sure if I took my other meds, just was in constant search for those pills, and almost drank over it, ( Im 3 years sober, and wanted to rid myself of that feeling, luckily my therapist was around me alot that week). I say Im lucky she was around me, but for her, she took alot of abuse from me, now I see flashes of me running towards her and just slapping her in the face, then hugging her, other times reaching for my fetish toys and trying to whip her, thinking she is a client or sub, and laughing as she is trying to get away. I felt intoxicated at times, then cried uncontrollably, I felt exhausted yet couldn't sleep, still having problems. I have to say Im not on the right medication, never saw that doctor, I waited over 6 hours at the 3rd hospital, and a patient was given medication that he couldnt take because he had a bad heart, so I knew a little about trazadone, enough that it releases seratonin so that might help me at least be balanced or calm and not as  crazy till my appointment so I took those. Crazy isnt it, I had to stop the madness from a patient who was prescribed the wrong pills. He was hungry and not in a good situation, so we both left, I took him to lunch, popped the pill and gave him some money to help him out, so he can get thru too. I don't feel manic now just dealing with all the crap that happened, hoping I never have to go thru that again, also I feel for those who have no control when the mania comes.  Hospitals, be more prepared when mental illness comes knocking on your door, when you send it back out un treated,  it can be like sending a loaded gun into society, and that bull shit you ask us about harming anyone, might come true, and then who is responsible, them or you?

Saturday, September 1, 2012

Are you going to harm yourself, or anyone else?

I heard that phrase over twenty times, yet never received the medication I needed to make sure I wouldn't harm myself or anyone else!!!! I never knew how crazy I could get until I had to go thru what people without insurance, or those in crisis go thru in these hospitals, it's a nightmare and frankly dangerous!!!! It started for me, I will say a week ago, not sure it's still all a blur, but my medication was changed because I was diagnosed with fibromiaglia.  Now my suffering for two years of unecessary pain because a doctor refused to listen to me, and finally gave in to my demands for a referral to the. doctor, which damn found out that you have something wrong its not your period, or your mentally unstable today, thats another post. Back to the diagnosis,  I had to get off of a med i was on, Nerotin, so I could take Lyrica. Well the Nerotin treated my anxiety, but this lyrica was needed for my pain so I followed her orders so I stopped taking it and replaced one with the other. Also I had been taking propanol for my tremors and had to stop taking that almost at the same time too. Now I thought there must be something in the lyrica for anxiety or depression too, along with pain because she wouldnt have me stop taking that pill and just give me a pain pill instead, hell if she didn't. The next day I woke up, my anxiety was a mess. It's not just one thing I focus on its generalized so I feel I cant relieve it. I try to contact that doctor, no luck. I have no luck at where I go, I am changing doctors my visit isn't until the 9/10 they can't move those appointments up they are booked solid. So I use what tools I have, breathing meditation, and it passes for periods of time.  I can't what happened after that, everything became lumped together, no sleep, didnt each much, and running wild trying to get medication everywhere, like a crack head trying to get their fix. Good Sam was the first hospital, it was a maze, you cant find the emergency room, its so confusing there. Once I do, they dont even acknowledge me, 40 minutes later I go up asked them whats goin on they say there full, I feel like Im in cardiac arrest, so I tell them to call 911 them cause I need to go to another hospital. They tell me that isnt something they can do, so I go outside trying to catch my breath and call myself. 10 minutes later a fire truck shows up, Im not sure why, and they explain to me that they are getting a bed in there for me, now they have that ability. Wtf!!!!! I have to call 911 to get this hospital to see that I exist and now they have a bed available.  Now if you have a condition that you can see, its taken very serious, all hands on deck, but if a person is suffering from a mental condition, they think you will be ok and they can get to you when they get time, now whoever the fuck thinks this is true, try drilling a screw into your brain, and see how it feels!!  Or for no reason what so ever, have this sudden terror, like someone was chasing you with a knife and almost stabbed you, or you were held hostage and just made it out alive, and you cant shake that feeling you are still that elevated and you just want to calm down, of course the doctor is going to give you a pill, well its the same situation for a person with ptsd, or GAD, they come in and say I need my medication, examine them, treat them like the person who ate too many god damn burgers and now has heart disease, you dont discriminate there, do you say, well if you didnt eat all that fattening food. Well its the same for people that have anxiety issues to we really need to be interrogated when we come in for medication and then be threatened with a 72 hour hold for a psych evaluation, all I wanted was my god damn meds now you are gonna make me bi polar, you son of a bitch!!!! Its been an awful week most of it a blur I could write on and on cause alot of crazy shit happened, but the craziest thing I never got those meds from the doctor, the hospitals wouldnt even give anxiety pills out, dumb nurse wanted to give me a mood stabilizer they dont pass out ativan, or medicine like that. It was fate how I got my meds it wasnt thru a doctor, I dont know if its smart to say it here, but it was while I was waiting, they were going to be thrown out anyways so I said hey I'll take em and let after waiting 6 hours without seeing a doctor this was my fourth hospital visit. Do I want to hurt myself, not at all, did I want to hurt somebody else, yeah... the next asshole in the hospital that asks me that instead of whats seems to be the problem?

Sunday, August 26, 2012

Doctors seat...

I never went to the doctors, I wanna tell you it was out of trust, part of that was true but the biggest reason, fear. For out of nowhere I couldn't go so I stopped, I wanna say it was 20. I think it was that dumb ass dentist that stopped in mid procedure and said" I can't finish pulling this tooth, your crying to much Michele" Are you  kidding me!!! Blood was leaking around the tooth, and here I am emotional enough about the procedure now I blood filling in my mouth. So I drive myself to the nearest hospital and in to yanks its out! Two different doctors, one had no problem, laid me back told me it was going to be ok, asked me what classes I was in and Bam! its out. Now with my dentist who I saw on a regular basis, couldn't finish the procedure, is he meeting the standard level of care? Was this acceptable what he did? I used this example because it scarred me for a long time, and it is for perfect to use what is happening to me now damn full circle!!!  Moving on into the future.....almost 20 years later, it took me to go back to a doctor, I decided to get a primary care doctor. This was a huge fear that I faced, putting faith in this profession again, to people who will have me in their hands, omg!! Ok Im not going into my life story but alot has happened between that point, and I did get on disability for bipolar, you do need to know that it will come into play.  So I get my first everything with him even my first papsmere, yuk! So there I did it. Then I get on that medicine at many took, noone knew how it would react,  Acutane. I was desparate. It wasn't a pimple here and there, I had cystic acne and these were so painful they would get underneath my arms , in my groin area, so when it was suggested that it would work, of course I said please! Now I have other health issues , so the primary care doctor, the administrator, and psyciatrist are suppose to watch this drug and the blood work very closely, hand and hand they said. I thought this must be very strong but they are doctors, they are taking my blood, give these doctors a chance, your at a hospital, this on a computer, so they all should be connected, no worries. Dont ever trust someone that much!!!!!! You will learn later why!  In November at a dinner party, my neck out of nowhere, had limited movement. It felt like someone put a tight glove over it. I was so scared, I never felt pain before in my life, not once. I thought it was a chiropractic issue, you know its your neck, so I called my old therapist, who was also a chiropractor. Now there was not much she could do but diagnose the problem, didnt know that, I thought she could adjust it, but since i wasnt her client its against the law, but she told me to go my doctor and have him look me over and then see what he says to make sure. I did just that. I didnt see anyone at first for my problem he gave me some high dose tylenol and sent me on my way. I was in tears, he said i could be stressed out, he didnt feel anything wrong, there is nowhere he can send me and this was the first time I heard this from him but I would hear this many more times " are you on your period". Now what the hell does that have to do with my neck I have no idea but for some reason that came out of his mouth.  This was the beginning of my pain and when it started and I started to feel more and more, finally he said " I can send you to a chiropractor i dont know if that will help" , he always made me feel like it was all in my head. He did say many times for me to get ahold of my self, My emotions got the best of myself, " you need another anti depressant, your moods are unstable". Very cold about. He wasnt a psychiatrist he was my doctor suppose to treat this pain which was never diagnosed until three years later, in 10 minutes by another doctor touched in the same places he did when I laid down in the same position, she had the same table he did too. I had asked for a referral to see RA doctor for a long time, he said you dont have arthitis, I told him I have this pain, at least to be checked out something is wrong. I tested positive for a RA factor over two years ago, to him that didnt mean anything, I was a too sensivtive, finally getting to the point a month ago I demanded a referral, I got it, and no he was right I dont have RA, I have fibromyalgia!!!  Had that SOB let me go two years ago when I asked, I would found out, had he took me seriously and not wrote me off as some bipolar nut on the period I would have received the treatment I deserved long ago and not suffered in pain for over two years. Ohh and the chiropractor he sent me to, I told her I was not getting better, something is wrong, she adjusted me, pushed on those same spots to, do they not know what fibromyalgia is either or was she just to worried about her meal ticket, because every time she pushed in the same spots the doctor did it sore and I told her that. After three years you go to a chiroprator and its getting worse, she doesnt think to say " something else is wrong michele you need to get checked out" Trust noone !!! Now I am getting a second opinion, even though fibromyalgia makes so much sense now, but a patient like me wouldn't know to look it up, but I  know now to pay attention to every thing, fear nothing, trust nothing!

Monday, August 20, 2012

what did you mean by that?

when people can't find a way to say what they mean,  many will use another approach to do so or not say it all.  There are reasons why they don't come out right out and clearly communicate what thought is in their head. Their afraid of the reaction, don't want to take responsibility for their own words, want to defend themselves and don't know how,  want to inflict harm by using smoke and mirrors, and so many other ways to run circles around you instead of directly coming to you. That is the biggest fear, coming to you, saying what issues I have about you. So instead, It's nice to use others tools, some chose, Passive/Aggressive, or complete avoidance.  That solves the problem you see, not  I don't have to address it all. You are longer in my life and I find a new you, people are now like phone, disposable, and we are pathetic and shallow weak minded individuals that cant face fear, if someone has an issue you communication is too much a challenge to say, you know " what did you mean by that? and can we discuss that,,, rather than other fear tools you use that keep on the disposable friends cycle!

Tuesday, August 14, 2012

puzzle.....

I've heard people say, life is about the journey not the destination. Ok that makes sense, you go along your days meet different people, go different places and pick up things along the way. To a person like me, I have to make it much more than that. Now I have a puzzle too. Why the hell all the analogies have to exist who knows, but I guess they make this life we live in easier to explain, because, people and how they operate is the most difficult thing to describe. The puzzle came to me, because I analyze myself all the time, and when I find a piece that will better my action, I change the behavior, and imagine the piece connecting together. I become obsessed at finishing this puzzle, what can I do next? Is this ok how I am? What can I change? The reason for my puzzle and why it was shattered in the first place, is like many others, trauma, addiction, abuse, and now I am putting the pieces back together. So I see the table with the pieces scattered about, can I be happy with them sitting on the table, as other puzzles do, and come put them together when I can? I want to practice that today, that's why I thought of the journey analogy, there is much growth learned along the way and it can be learned in a single day, but its diffucult sometimes when your in pain and you want it to just go away, so some same, Just for today!

Saturday, August 11, 2012

Extended stay....

Flight delayed!!! A sigh of relief, or so it seemed. for over the past hour I have lost my mind so yes right now knowing I have some time to exhale, was cool. We all sit, some calm and ok with whats going on, and some not ok, especially people with  connecting flights.  Now D3, is operated by one woman, to handle all of us, but at the time we just thought the plane was on the way, and in the air. As time passed, half hour after half hour, the line grew at her desk. People were now very upset, some looking for other planes to connect with, at this point cincinnati was not their option. As far as The people going to Cincinnati, like myself have no idea what is going on. I have no way of speaking to her ,she is flooded with this line of Angry people, and for us to even go up and disturb the process, is like walking up to a pack of wolves while feeding. We took the other route, we called customer service, and found out we had another hour delay time, they were repairing our plane, "Repairing our plane"!!!

Friday, August 10, 2012

Departure

You ever had one of those days, blah blah, insert..Murphy's law, because yes everything went wrong leaving Ft.Lauderdale heading home.  I set the clock for 6:00am, flight was for 8:00, friend said airport is close so we will have time to get there. Now when I woke up, the only thing my mind remembers about what he said was we will have time, so I hit snooze a few, and crawled about a 6:00am pace. Before I know it, he comes in and says " is there anything i can to speed up this process? " . Now why is he saying this Im wondering, well I look down and it's damn near 7:00am, shit!!! Im stomping out of the apartment, looking at him crazy, as if its his fault, and whatever else needed done forget it were out. Now usually you get time to cry in the car, say how much you  are going to miss each other, and we should do this again sometime soon. Well now at 7:15 we are weaving in and out of traffic, and avoiding some construction garbage that we almost hit along the way. By the time I pull up, it was me pulling my shit out of his car, see ya call you when i land, ok take care, off he goes.  So now Im in great luckily all i have to is go to the little kiosk and print my ticket. Yeah there are about thirty people around me in line, why is there a line for self check in. Oh noe I gotta check in with somebody this isnt right so I go to someone with a uniform a football field away and ask where is my kiosk and she points back to that mess. Im thinking that cant be right, these people look like there checkin in, and sure enough they were, thanks you old Hag, they were, in the wrong line. Now past 7:30 gotta go thru security and I land right in front of a mother strapped on a baby, and guess what, she has all kinds of liquids, this means they are looking thru her bag, OMG!!! I need to go are you serious, I want to scream, but can you at a mother, I am smiling saying oh its ok, bullshit its not are you kidding me one damn bottle how much is that baby drinking on a flight. So after me stripping all my goods thru check point, Its 7:45 and I see what i really need, coffee gotta get some before the flight it takes them an hour before service so i had to stop. So as i am getting it I hear over the P.A. "If someone left there laptop at the checkpoint please return to collect it" Son of a bitch and yes I its me, they make you take it out of your bag and i left mine, so I leave my coffee run back, she asks what kind it is, I tell her, and then we verify it by pictures well my lifestyle is in Bdsm, and wouldn't you know it, some of the asses i spanked popped up first, then my pic of the crop hanging out of my mouth, that was verification enough. We are on borrowed time now, I run back grab my coffee, and its like 7:55 at this point and Im not kidding the flight was delayed, this begins my wait in the airport. I am going to continue this I had no idea it was going to be this long, there is much more to the story....

Tuesday, July 24, 2012

video

I wanna see my work, and theirs too, now this becomes artwork. Yes we have many emotions, behaviors, and actions, but now there are techniques to which i bind you, the clothes I wear, the tools I use, and even how I set up the room. Your face when I apply pressure, how does it react? How do I look? The sounds made between us when I give and you receive?  This is yet another door I open, something to see and explore.  Video, a way to share with others, my freedom of expression that shows all of me, and exposes the layers of you

Saturday, July 21, 2012

I say this only because I care....

When you make any statement like this, it's none of your business in the first place.  You are Negative Nancy and to the rest of the world that phrase never good to hear.  It tends to come from a person who instead of giving you postive feedback from a situation, you most likely will get " well remember what you went thru I would hate to see you go thru it again, just sayin cause I care,". My ass, they wanna blow whatever night you had right, or if you think the situation is going well, ask that friend and they will have you question everything after speaking with them. I will let you know, "I say this only because I care," are out there, so be aware! Sometimes its ok to go with the way you feel,  cause Nancy wont be negative on mine.

Thursday, June 28, 2012

Stupid Americans

My friend came to the edge of the pool to catch up on life, we haven't seen each other in awhile. With her was a guy from Germany, at first he sat back out of the sun,  and out of our conversation. As Im telling her about my new lifestyle change and that Im a Domme, that's when I hear his first disaproval. Now the guy decides he wants to sit closer and be a part of the conversation. I dont pay him much attention, I say a few things and go back to my friend. Then the guy or shall I say boy, because now that's what he's acting like to get attention, says a man is checking him out from above, but wont admit it, and American male's are sexually repressed and German male's are free and open.  When anyone comes from their country to ours, it seems like theirs has a better perspective or a better way of living and ours is sub standard. then the statement that is common and Europe whatever" Americans are stupid" and that when I have to say " why are you here? If your country is so smart, then it makes sense to stay there. I wouldn't leave to come to a place where you think people are stupid. Is this place better than your country? How did that happen if we are so stupid?" I have problem with the pot melting but I have pride in the country and concept, if yours is better, then go home and enjoy it.

Sunday, June 24, 2012

Fragile flower, to domme bitch

I had a conversation on the phone today, with a friend that knows me well.  We spoke of time past, and how I use to message morning "sunshine" and other positive things to everyone for some time. Not everyone was a fan of my text, some didnt want to receive it, him being one. At the time I wrote them I did it because I was going thru a huge change in my life.  Being so fragile I needed something to keep up my spirits, little did I know I drove everyone else crazy. We laughed about this on the phone, because I would cry about every emotion I was going thru,  now I laugh about every emotion I provoke, and write about. Today I spank someone so hard that they cry, look how the tables have turned. I can say the power of writing does make a difference but many other things have happened too, the conversation brought it to light today.

Welcome back Cincinnati

What a crazy week, Im glad it's coming to a close.  Last week I was out of town and it in the middle of nowhere, nice and quiet. Well as soon as I touch ground in the city, people were fighting outside while I was waiting for a cab.  The next day I thought why not get on your float and enjoy the pool, well that was interrupted by crosstalk in the deep end with M-Fers and what sex actions took place last night, while lil john was floating ten feet away from me, Nice!! I said a few words to them which increased my lovely welcome back Cincinnati, plus the migraine I get here.  Thursday coming from Walmart, on 75 south, out of the corner of my eye I see a deer hopping over the medium on the north side. The words came out my mouth, but going that fast you cant avoid it, so all she could do was slow down and still that didnt prevent her from hitting that deer, and blood getting on the glass, jumping up in the air, going to the right, where how nice for us, we get to see, her last dieing moments. It was awful, and there is a boy in the back watching it with me, its not like you turn away, cause you want to make sure, that either 1. its ok or 2. its dead, no middle ground there. That was the first I had chills with no goosebumps or that I wasnt cold, and this lasted for sometime, and if you dont know 75, this is a major highway where the hell did this deer come from? Im not done, the next day, I was in communication with the girl I went to see in Indiana, via email. I dont care for those btw.  A few of them were exchanged,  she likes to write, I like to talk, before I knew something went entirely wrong.  I wont get into the whole story but a few hours later I got a, we are too different email and cant be together. What is this? Are you kidding me, your breaking up with me thru an email?  I sent some emails of course after, I didnt understand what happened, and frankly this week, This was my welcome back to you.

Tuesday, June 19, 2012

Never knew I'd be here

Today I tell people we are here to experience life, not to find our purpose. We dont have that kind of power nor would we want it. Going against the grain, and trying to determine what we are suppose to do, takes a lot of time and wastes energy, I know from personal experience.  A few years ago I let go and said whatever happens, happens, and whatever is meant to be, be.  I know it sounds like that old song from a time ago,  I can't spell it but in says what will be, will be, and that has been me.  Which has led me to explore me even more, what I have have truly desired, and that was to spank, and that led to even more which opened another door, ooh wait there's more. Once You go inside there is no turning back, the desire you once had, it wasn't just one, it was just a key to open a door, to give you the ability to see there is more to open, but once your inside and you see you have opened all these doors you wonder, how did I get here?