Sunday, September 2, 2012


Im not well, you can tell if you read some of my blogs, but I have been in recovery for some time thru therapy, groups and medication. That week of without my medication, and coming off the nerotin too, I can truly say I know what manic is. I knew what depression was, that not the  easiest to describe or to know your in but you can function, when your manic, your a roller coaster and if someone wants to take a ride they do it at their own risk, you just don't have a sign posted for them.  The days ran all together for me, I made a purchase I would never do, like this computer Im on now, which is going back by the way. 2000.00 from rent a center, I have money to buy one out right, but I went in and picked out this huge laptop that has all this crap I don't understand and you rent to own it too, I never made a purchase from that store in my life. My philosophy has always been, if you don't have the money, wait till you can afford it, or buy something thats in your price range, not a tv on your lap. One day, I was in all leather, dark make up, headed to the my football teams stadium to drop off a card like I do after every game, but dressed like that, thank god my case manager came by to see about my medicine situation. No sleep, so this past week was all a blur, not much food, couldn't tell you how many showers I took, not even sure if I took my other meds, just was in constant search for those pills, and almost drank over it, ( Im 3 years sober, and wanted to rid myself of that feeling, luckily my therapist was around me alot that week). I say Im lucky she was around me, but for her, she took alot of abuse from me, now I see flashes of me running towards her and just slapping her in the face, then hugging her, other times reaching for my fetish toys and trying to whip her, thinking she is a client or sub, and laughing as she is trying to get away. I felt intoxicated at times, then cried uncontrollably, I felt exhausted yet couldn't sleep, still having problems. I have to say Im not on the right medication, never saw that doctor, I waited over 6 hours at the 3rd hospital, and a patient was given medication that he couldnt take because he had a bad heart, so I knew a little about trazadone, enough that it releases seratonin so that might help me at least be balanced or calm and not as  crazy till my appointment so I took those. Crazy isnt it, I had to stop the madness from a patient who was prescribed the wrong pills. He was hungry and not in a good situation, so we both left, I took him to lunch, popped the pill and gave him some money to help him out, so he can get thru too. I don't feel manic now just dealing with all the crap that happened, hoping I never have to go thru that again, also I feel for those who have no control when the mania comes.  Hospitals, be more prepared when mental illness comes knocking on your door, when you send it back out un treated,  it can be like sending a loaded gun into society, and that bull shit you ask us about harming anyone, might come true, and then who is responsible, them or you?

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