Saturday, September 1, 2012

Are you going to harm yourself, or anyone else?

I heard that phrase over twenty times, yet never received the medication I needed to make sure I wouldn't harm myself or anyone else!!!! I never knew how crazy I could get until I had to go thru what people without insurance, or those in crisis go thru in these hospitals, it's a nightmare and frankly dangerous!!!! It started for me, I will say a week ago, not sure it's still all a blur, but my medication was changed because I was diagnosed with fibromiaglia.  Now my suffering for two years of unecessary pain because a doctor refused to listen to me, and finally gave in to my demands for a referral to the. doctor, which damn found out that you have something wrong its not your period, or your mentally unstable today, thats another post. Back to the diagnosis,  I had to get off of a med i was on, Nerotin, so I could take Lyrica. Well the Nerotin treated my anxiety, but this lyrica was needed for my pain so I followed her orders so I stopped taking it and replaced one with the other. Also I had been taking propanol for my tremors and had to stop taking that almost at the same time too. Now I thought there must be something in the lyrica for anxiety or depression too, along with pain because she wouldnt have me stop taking that pill and just give me a pain pill instead, hell if she didn't. The next day I woke up, my anxiety was a mess. It's not just one thing I focus on its generalized so I feel I cant relieve it. I try to contact that doctor, no luck. I have no luck at where I go, I am changing doctors my visit isn't until the 9/10 they can't move those appointments up they are booked solid. So I use what tools I have, breathing meditation, and it passes for periods of time.  I can't what happened after that, everything became lumped together, no sleep, didnt each much, and running wild trying to get medication everywhere, like a crack head trying to get their fix. Good Sam was the first hospital, it was a maze, you cant find the emergency room, its so confusing there. Once I do, they dont even acknowledge me, 40 minutes later I go up asked them whats goin on they say there full, I feel like Im in cardiac arrest, so I tell them to call 911 them cause I need to go to another hospital. They tell me that isnt something they can do, so I go outside trying to catch my breath and call myself. 10 minutes later a fire truck shows up, Im not sure why, and they explain to me that they are getting a bed in there for me, now they have that ability. Wtf!!!!! I have to call 911 to get this hospital to see that I exist and now they have a bed available.  Now if you have a condition that you can see, its taken very serious, all hands on deck, but if a person is suffering from a mental condition, they think you will be ok and they can get to you when they get time, now whoever the fuck thinks this is true, try drilling a screw into your brain, and see how it feels!!  Or for no reason what so ever, have this sudden terror, like someone was chasing you with a knife and almost stabbed you, or you were held hostage and just made it out alive, and you cant shake that feeling you are still that elevated and you just want to calm down, of course the doctor is going to give you a pill, well its the same situation for a person with ptsd, or GAD, they come in and say I need my medication, examine them, treat them like the person who ate too many god damn burgers and now has heart disease, you dont discriminate there, do you say, well if you didnt eat all that fattening food. Well its the same for people that have anxiety issues to we really need to be interrogated when we come in for medication and then be threatened with a 72 hour hold for a psych evaluation, all I wanted was my god damn meds now you are gonna make me bi polar, you son of a bitch!!!! Its been an awful week most of it a blur I could write on and on cause alot of crazy shit happened, but the craziest thing I never got those meds from the doctor, the hospitals wouldnt even give anxiety pills out, dumb nurse wanted to give me a mood stabilizer they dont pass out ativan, or medicine like that. It was fate how I got my meds it wasnt thru a doctor, I dont know if its smart to say it here, but it was while I was waiting, they were going to be thrown out anyways so I said hey I'll take em and let after waiting 6 hours without seeing a doctor this was my fourth hospital visit. Do I want to hurt myself, not at all, did I want to hurt somebody else, yeah... the next asshole in the hospital that asks me that instead of whats seems to be the problem?

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