Phifel!!

Unwanted guests we all have them, so I gently escorted mine away and I thought I was done with him. Had I been aggressive that would have been the case, but no I actually provided him with shelter and food without my knowledge, till one day I see his big ass crawl across my patio, yes my guest was a small field mouse now he is a big ass rat!! Now living on my patio, eating what I feed the squirrels. See I caught him in a cup, and I didn't want to throw him three stories to the ground, so I just set him down, outside the patio, thinking he would crawl away. OMG no, he has hid from me but slowly grew into a big ass monster, what did I do!!!!! Sometimes you have to be aggressive with unwanted guests whether it be Phifel, or people in general, cause they will hang around unless you throw them out, his case literally, but in life, hey your on your own, support I can be there for you, but you can't stay here. I can't believe I made a moral point out of my rat story but it's true now my squirrels have to suffer until I get rid of that rat, I can't feed him any more, he will be the size of a cat, plus he really needs to be thrown out this time.

In Position?

Ever had a job, that hired you for a specific position, in charge of a department where you were to make the calls, and your ideas are what they hired you for? Ok, follow me, now you get in there, you are the shot caller of this department, but there is a boss of the overall department, and he seems to keep getting in your business, until the point you are no longer running the department. You are just a figure head, he makes calls and sometimes you can make some calls but everybody else now seems to be in control, and your just standing there? Welcome to the Cincinnati Bengals, and you would be the new Offensive Coordinator Jay Gruden!!!!!   See you have stubborn Coach who forgets that he is a Defensive Coordinator by trade and has no business making calls, but seems to think that his simple minded insistence on the run can't be read by other D.C. well Dick Le Beau smashed that last  week in the second half, so when will he get it thru his head unless he is willing to invest in pro bowlers as linemen besides whitworth that wont work!!!!! Also you have eager hands ready to catch and many plays in those books you carry around let Jay practice with thosse boys so they  can become familiar with them instead of saying ok no huddle and them no be ready cause they don't practice that as much as that damn run which we dont have the protection for!!!!!!! Play action, flea flicker, slant, shovel, something but screw the run until we need it at 3rd and 3 or somethng like that damn!!!!! Palmer went thru this shit, why now Andy, no someone has to stop Marvin!!!!!

I can't help it....

 When your in a relationship that's taboo, should you recoil like a hot flame? No it was a burning desire that I ran to, now its overwhelming love I can't get enough of. This is a not a social relationship, we are always at my house, we meet before she goes to work or when she gets off. Never has she spent the night, or have we went to dinner together.
    This is my relationship, intense passion, exploring love that I have never felt before, doing things like locking each other in positions and laying there for long periods of time. Now yes as great as that sounds, and it is believe me, I worry because at any time we might have to end what we have, or will we get sick of it? Right now I would there is no way I could ever sick of looking in those fawn like eyes, but when we are in my house all the time it might happen. Livin on love only can only last for so long right? We do need to get out, I am afraid when I take her out to a park, I will want to  be all over her, but that would be a safe spot to get out for us to enjoy an environment besides my four walls. Yesterday was a simple argument, and as I tried to get off the bed, she was shaking, crying and saying she didn't want to lose me. I went back to hold her and I started to cry, like she transferred her emotions on me. Its always the taboo, the relationships that are not suppose to be that are so intense, damn!!! Now what do you do, your in deep, that was some emotions already shared between the both of us, and if anything extreme happens its gonna us both!!!  The heart has a mind of its own if you open it, and thats what we did!!!

out of the box!

when you are like me, who only knows to be herself it can be considered being "out of the box".  Comprimising your personality, and being part of the background, seems to be the norm these days. "go with the flow, not against the grain", now we use woodshop tips for wisdom.  I am honest, sometimes I even feel like Biden, laughing*.  I don't want to change who I am, but I have made myself more subtle, being heard by everyone is not my goal, and what I want to say also can be shared where I am, not to the entire floor, for I have a voice that carries well, so I have been told. Making adjustments is one thing, but I in no way, do not want to lose the essense of me. So where can a comprimise be made? I thought about it, but I also think about this one journey we have, and why would I want to live for anyone else but myself, I would be afraid of regrets.

Explore my open doors: Girls......

Explore my open doors: Girls......: Lips, hips, fingertips,  thighs, eyes, oh my! yes it's true, a woman can have a hold on you.  Those breasts call to me, saying " Michele don...

Girls......

Lips, hips, fingertips,  thighs, eyes, oh my! yes it's true, a woman can have a hold on you.  Those breasts call to me, saying " Michele don't you see,  my headlights on bright and shining"! yes thats my cue, for me to come and see you. My hands love to wander all over your skin, so spread those thighs open so I can begin. This is where we gain pleasure, you and I in the center, you taste so sweet, this is my treat, I not only enjoy your flavor, but its your moans I favor. My actions, causes a reaction, which blows me away. You move around, I hold you down, keep giving you wet pleasure, nothing can measure, so now your loud, which makes me proud, cause you are so wet, and I bet, you just came all over me, damn I am as happy as can be.

Against the grain..

I can't say I ever went with the grain, but I did do whatever it took to turn what hell I was living in around. The fear of what's to come, and where I was, did it for me, so I for awhile saw the grain and did what I could.  When you enter treatment, the topic of meetings and their importance is stressed upon quite often. Even while your in, after a couple weeks, not right in or out of detox, noone wants to see that mess, but seriously, you go out to meetings. These  meetings I speak of are 12 step and it might be Narcotics Anonymous, or mine that I went to for so long were Alcoholics Anonymous. Really until now, you had no other alternative to recovery, its just meetings. Now I see the guy on TV and holistics approaches, but the staple has been AA and the 12 steps of recovery.  Yes Im not gonna it didn't work for me, Bill Wilson the founder was a genius. He combined many different forms of philosophy and spirituality so that it would give a drunk tools once the alcohol was gone, and its in those 12 steps. The meetings, if ran correctly, sharing your experience, strength, and hope, hell that can help anywhere in life to get you through the day, but that doesn't always happen. I don't write to put down the rooms, its people that unfortuntely don't understand what comes out of their mouth. I statements that's the rule, you stick with sharing only about yourself, thats also in the mental health field, you sure as hell don't want to piss off a nut, and say you in a group setting, not enough prozac for that. :).  Great rule sometimes bended or passive/aggressive pokes to get someone goat, and for what, I never understood that, if we have an hour here, why don't we use it wisely and collectively help each other and share what we can so hey, I can borrow from you, or yeah I have been there she use this from me, but it's not like that, not always.  In the beginning of every meeting, they say " Does anyone have a topic related to Alcohol"? well if im sitting in that chair anything coming out of my mouth is related to alcohol. I never understood that. I am dual diagnosed so I deal with both issues, most alcoholics do, they just dont get treated, they sit in those rooms and get sicker.  Anyways, my last day at AA, I shared about not being able to get that medicine and how I felt, and how I understood the term to self medicate, because I was going to drink because I couldn't get my meds. And in those rooms, some twisted that topic about pills, which it wasn't, some said it was a issue to speak to their sponsor, and I knew then I was ok. That they were sicker than I was, I was able to say were I was and be comfortable saying it, I didn't use and most of them were dwelling on how they used valium in the passed and I knew I reached my plateau, I thank You Bill wilson for the steps you wrote, some of us yes we are against the grain like me but I cant sit in a room, where I cant be me.

When you need a woman..............

I am a Domme, and I get 1000,s of messages from men willing to do whatever I want to do with them. Now Women on the other hand aren't as willing, limitations come which in my world don't work and they become divas even though they are suppose to submit to me. I have been looking for a woman willing to take a discipline spanking, get it on video and enjoy the rewards. See when people go watch these spankings they like to see women, spanking women, so I have to find that girl willing to take what I dish out, and I have a hand that leaves the worst marks. There has to be a woman out there who wants to be over my knee, feeling my hand hit that bottom. But where could she be, who knows, you see them all over the place, but I can't find one to fill this spot?

These four walls.....

I do alot to acheive the Michele, to reach her in better health, in sobriety, and mental health. I have been doing this for over 7 years. Now of course it was necessary to do something, the condition I was in was in, extremely out of control. Some would say, homicidal, suicidal, and full blown nuts from no psychological care. I reached the boiling point, the mix of alcohol and drugs was just a way for me to get help. Well, detox, treatment, AA, mental health, group therapy, many of them, and 7 years of therapy, and now I sit here, in these four walls. I think sometimes time sits still, life is moving around me, and Im just in my own world doing my thing, and everybody else is running the world. I am not a part of, just an observer watching all of you, do what you do, and me well Im still in progress. So I go to parks and observe nature, take my picture, get in touch with my inner child, do all the things I have heard somewhere, lord knows I have been to enough groups, spoke in enough sessions, and listened in enough meetings. I know many changes have occured in me since that day I entered that detox bed, but its this feeling I get still, these four walls, I want them to feel like comfort, not like I gotta get up and go do something. I wanna just sit, and read a book. Be with Michele, she has been through enough, listened for a long time and now I just want to be in my four walls and become the girl that doesn't feel interrupted. I want to feel like having coffee over with a few people and enjoy the chatter of whatever it may be in these four walls!

No pain, no gain, yeah ok!

I joined a membership a few weeks ago, and what a joy its been. Now I do love the tanning beds, massage chairs, water massage beds, and the other perks, its the machines that are killing me. Last night I couldn't stop coughing from this cardio machine, which is like the elipitcal but it hurt much worse. My lungs feel like Im still smoking and I quit over 2 years ago.  After the cardio, the trainer assigns all these machines you rotate every day you use 20 rep 3x, legs, back, shoulders, arms. abs. I am so soar right now, due to the isolation of that muscle. I normally dont use it I guess, and I am dying, the beginning sucks. Im sure I sound like a whiny lil baby, but the only thing I look forward to in that gym is that tanning bed and those extra perks not that damn cardio where half my lung is on the floor. The beginning is when most quit, I know this in my head, so I keep telling my soar ass body, that it will pass, the pain won't be so great and I will start looking forward to the gym, lol. I think I might help the gym visit out and do things at home to work out too, cause right now I am thinking about a walk. I gotta do something, Im not a kid anymore, I do miss those days where this wasn't a thought because you ran around so damn much, weight was never an issue," yeah I better worry about that big ass Im getting"!  And if you have read any of my blogs before Im up again early so why not go for a walk, I have nothing else to do, love living healthy, horray!!

Fruit from the forbiddin tree!!!

All the trees have the same fruit, and you can have as much as you want. Now there is one tree over there that is off limits, and you are not to have any!  How many people stay away from that tree, do some go check it out and then say no I'm ok with what I got. Others say I'm not going over there, I don't even need to look at the tree, Im ok with the fruit I have. Then you have me, and others who go to that tree thats forbidden and take from it, because its forbidden and we cant resist.  I visit that tree all the time and take from it, and even though I know I should resist, I give in to my desire for that sweet fruit. I cant have that same fruit, its not me, I know it's its not acceptable, and my actions are wrong according to society, but when I am enjoying that fruit, its esctasy.  The married man's wife never found out about the affair I had with her man. He was my boss, hit on me hard, so I took him. Left a note on his car, and he accepted. We had sex at his house, my house, in the restaurant, and in the car. We picked our last time and went our separate ways. I knew that enjoying this fruit, I would not be able to have it forever, but it was good while it lasted. Now the engaged girl, she wasn't gay, no way, yeah until she was lip locked with me, then at my house and for not knowing what to do was very much into being with the same sex before say I do to her man. That happened quite a few times, and then would return to her hubby no longer a virgin of a woman. For me I get in these forbidden relationships like I am now, I love this fruit, but the problem with getting anything from this tree, is its not yours to take. You were told not take from this tree for a reason, its taken, its not yours to take, thats the message. That still never stopped me, even know I saw it as I can take it, like I conquered something, but really I never had anything to keep, I got to taste, but it was always taken. Now Im in the same situation, I have a relationship that is forbidden. I not only went back to the tree, I took her with me and she loves the fruit and filled with esctacy. I guess you can call me Eve