Friday, September 28, 2012
The advice the lawyer gave to me in 2003, "Michele don't do this again! I can't keep getting out DUI's and now Ohio passed a law, its a felony next time girl' no matter what I do. That definite jail time and I can't do a thing about it". So from that date on, I chose to drink, but not drive, so I just lived without driving for all this time. I didn't know if I would drive when I drank, and I didn't seeing it ending any time soon, until 8/3/09. I had some good times, and obviously bad, but now I go to reinstate my license and what's this........a 1000.00 fee. No there's a mistake, yes I've had multiple duis but paid back then charged again, that's how it worked. Well you see somehow, a uninsured charge 125.00, another DUI 425.00, lol wtf, is there another Michele, my lawyer, had mine all dropped down, they wouldn't go to the reinstatement office, and I have been bonded since the first DUI in 94, plus I always drive with insurance, if you drove like I did, drunk. All these years I had been working on taking care of me, not thinking back about this, and wow now I have to clear this shit up. Luckily progressive has great records and is sending the papers, the DUI well the lawyer, forgot to file papers cancelling the refusal to blow which to the state of Ohio looks like a DUI . So now go to the judge if he doesn't, or just pay his mistake, here is the crazy thing, someone was willing to pay it all, and I see mistakes and no I couldn't let her pay money that the state isn't owed. Would have saved me stress, time, and all memory lane bull shit, but I couldn't see her do it. Maybe deep down too, how thoughtful she is to that for me, so I guess, I wanted to suffer for, I didn't expect it to end this way, cause I love the woman who wanted to this for me. I wanted to tell all of you, make sure you look your records over, and no fee can't be overturned, there I don't feel like such a sap
Friday, September 21, 2012
Before my last post occurred, it just came to almost the same situation happened to me a week ago, but I was the two Women in the back who watched the man assault me, and later comfort him. It was reversed the man was black, the women too, the only difference in that scene was I didn't see any color. I saw a man getting very close to women, one of them was too young to hear what was coming out of his mouth. The only option I saw was to step in and prevent anything else from happening, and escorting this man out the door, he lost his privilege to stay. I repeated you don't talk like that to women, over and over, remained eye contact and step forward as a bouncer would when your ass being nicely thrown out. I didn't think about it till yesterday, but the two stories have some similar qualities, a man was assaulting a female, it was how it was handled that is the difference. I also use this comparison to illustrate the difference of seeing color and discrimination, and living amongst each other and living as people. The neighborhood I was in is predominantly black, not once have I ever thought about it when in it, I'm 38 and thank God the mid west or whatever mentality it is to see your race for first, I practice face value that means whatever the hell you are showing me, now that's another post and some other things I have to practice. I was born in CA, and back then they cranked classical to the kids and read all these alternative books to raising their child, it was the early 70 s, maybe it worked.
Monday, September 17, 2012
It was a good day, learning the ropes at my gym and meeting new people. After my workout, I decided to downtown to drop some things off and check it TJmaxx for some more workout clothes. Right before the clothes I saw the shoes, and I am a lady so I had to stop to see what they had. Now I'm an 8 1/2 and the next size is 9 so this is my aisle. I tried on one pair, didn't like them, so I put them back put left that shoe off, so I can try more, why keep taking it off? So that shoe is on the ground along with a box that had a pair of headphones, it was set off to the side but not exactly together, there was some space between them. When I go to try on another pair, a guy comes behind me and step over the shoe and straddles the headphones to see a pair of shoes behind me. I was so blown away by his disregard for my property and my space, I couldn't say anything. So I went back to looking, and the pig did it again, and then it was a mess from there. Words flew, managers were involved, threats were thrown around, apparently Mr Oxford shirt black slacks, key card wearing thug, said if he wasn't on probation he would shoot me. Now I'm not an angel in this, every call out, I was inches from his face, no man will threatened a woman, and I lose it when they do it to me. Now, two blacks chics, I'd say mid 30s heard his ass threatened all that, and who do they do to, him, and when I say what's your name boy, so I can report your ass, she's now telling him its menacing and to walk away. He was I didn't mention that, a girl at the counter, black too, well he has a suit on, how could he be in trouble? He even told the person on the phone several times if I wasn't on probation! The store did OK, but when are we gonna say, that discrimination isn't white on black anymore, I'm tired of hearing that shit!!! If I was a black girl he would have been polite, even helped moved her stuff out of the way for her, by the way he was with the other ladies. Ignorance, ego and arrogance all over my tan skin, it looks great by the way, I just came back Florida so its not that white, scared, little fool
Thursday, September 6, 2012
the fog has cleared, now I feel like the worst hangover, just with no party and its lasted for several days. The pills came, had to go back to the hospital that gave them to me originally. You would think that you could call and have them refill the script, and that would be the end of that, oh no they want to charge you insurance a ton and have you go back thru this process, to get looked at again just to get the same damn pills. The first time I received ten pills, I didn't notice this till I went to pharmacy, but really 10 pills what the hell am I going to do with that amount when my doctor's visit wont be until the 9/12. I cant recall how long they lasted, because I cant recall that week, it was a black out without alcohol. I had those before, black outs when I drank, and woke up in strange places, been raped, in jail, and many other things. Now for the record, I have been sober for over 3 years, and to have that feeling back was the worst feeling one could go thru. After the bad experience I had, I shopped around to the other hospitals here, now in Cincinnati, there are at least 5 hospitals you can go to, and I went to three for treatment, never received treatment during this highly elevated manic episode. UC sent some nurse who read from a chart and asked you going to kill yourself twice and other question that didnt pertain to my illness, so I left. Decones had a 6 hour wait to just see the doctor, but let criminals, and UC patients come before us. So back to Good Sam the hospital I had to call 911 to get a bed before in. The last time my therapist had to make sure I would receive medication, because they didnt send anyone to speak to me and she was the one demanding they get someone. The last visit, A patient with the craziest face made a comment about why I was there, overhearing my conversation. I did ignore, but without meds, my tolerance is low. The last laugh, I turned around around and told her old black ass to mind her own, and she is in no condition to criticize when she looks like a blow fish, and no one can understand her ass anyways with having no teeth. I was finished I said my piece. Now I normally dont go there, but Im not myself. Then overdried, bleach blonde mobile home nurse had to come over and say her peace and it was all at me, " its a peaceful place none of this needs to go on here". I told her its over I said my piece this was noone of her concern go do your job, if she wants to talk, go to mush mouth not me, go away I have no use of you anymore, now go!!!! she waives for security like hes getting involved, he didnt move not one inch. Now you have idiots working in hospitals, mush mouth was a patient, I expect her to be the way she is but why that nurse would want to provoke the situation is beyond me. After that mess, and thank god I had a mission, and it wasnt to beat that idiots ass, I made it thru the waiting for a refill, actually met up with a good doctor this time, and he even gave me some good advice gave me medicine on the spot and a script till I see my psychiatrist. This motivates me and more to write a book to say all that I have been thru to expose not only whats wrong with the field of this industry, but maybe someone in power can make changes, its awful the way it is, if you dont advocate for yourself you might not make it
Sunday, September 2, 2012
Im not well, you can tell if you read some of my blogs, but I have been in recovery for some time thru therapy, groups and medication. That week of without my medication, and coming off the nerotin too, I can truly say I know what manic is. I knew what depression was, that not the easiest to describe or to know your in but you can function, when your manic, your a roller coaster and if someone wants to take a ride they do it at their own risk, you just don't have a sign posted for them. The days ran all together for me, I made a purchase I would never do, like this computer Im on now, which is going back by the way. 2000.00 from rent a center, I have money to buy one out right, but I went in and picked out this huge laptop that has all this crap I don't understand and you rent to own it too, I never made a purchase from that store in my life. My philosophy has always been, if you don't have the money, wait till you can afford it, or buy something thats in your price range, not a tv on your lap. One day, I was in all leather, dark make up, headed to the my football teams stadium to drop off a card like I do after every game, but dressed like that, thank god my case manager came by to see about my medicine situation. No sleep, so this past week was all a blur, not much food, couldn't tell you how many showers I took, not even sure if I took my other meds, just was in constant search for those pills, and almost drank over it, ( Im 3 years sober, and wanted to rid myself of that feeling, luckily my therapist was around me alot that week). I say Im lucky she was around me, but for her, she took alot of abuse from me, now I see flashes of me running towards her and just slapping her in the face, then hugging her, other times reaching for my fetish toys and trying to whip her, thinking she is a client or sub, and laughing as she is trying to get away. I felt intoxicated at times, then cried uncontrollably, I felt exhausted yet couldn't sleep, still having problems. I have to say Im not on the right medication, never saw that doctor, I waited over 6 hours at the 3rd hospital, and a patient was given medication that he couldnt take because he had a bad heart, so I knew a little about trazadone, enough that it releases seratonin so that might help me at least be balanced or calm and not as crazy till my appointment so I took those. Crazy isnt it, I had to stop the madness from a patient who was prescribed the wrong pills. He was hungry and not in a good situation, so we both left, I took him to lunch, popped the pill and gave him some money to help him out, so he can get thru too. I don't feel manic now just dealing with all the crap that happened, hoping I never have to go thru that again, also I feel for those who have no control when the mania comes. Hospitals, be more prepared when mental illness comes knocking on your door, when you send it back out un treated, it can be like sending a loaded gun into society, and that bull shit you ask us about harming anyone, might come true, and then who is responsible, them or you?
Saturday, September 1, 2012
I heard that phrase over twenty times, yet never received the medication I needed to make sure I wouldn't harm myself or anyone else!!!! I never knew how crazy I could get until I had to go thru what people without insurance, or those in crisis go thru in these hospitals, it's a nightmare and frankly dangerous!!!! It started for me, I will say a week ago, not sure it's still all a blur, but my medication was changed because I was diagnosed with fibromiaglia. Now my suffering for two years of unecessary pain because a doctor refused to listen to me, and finally gave in to my demands for a referral to the. doctor, which damn found out that you have something wrong its not your period, or your mentally unstable today, thats another post. Back to the diagnosis, I had to get off of a med i was on, Nerotin, so I could take Lyrica. Well the Nerotin treated my anxiety, but this lyrica was needed for my pain so I followed her orders so I stopped taking it and replaced one with the other. Also I had been taking propanol for my tremors and had to stop taking that almost at the same time too. Now I thought there must be something in the lyrica for anxiety or depression too, along with pain because she wouldnt have me stop taking that pill and just give me a pain pill instead, hell if she didn't. The next day I woke up, my anxiety was a mess. It's not just one thing I focus on its generalized so I feel I cant relieve it. I try to contact that doctor, no luck. I have no luck at where I go, I am changing doctors my visit isn't until the 9/10 they can't move those appointments up they are booked solid. So I use what tools I have, breathing meditation, and it passes for periods of time. I can't what happened after that, everything became lumped together, no sleep, didnt each much, and running wild trying to get medication everywhere, like a crack head trying to get their fix. Good Sam was the first hospital, it was a maze, you cant find the emergency room, its so confusing there. Once I do, they dont even acknowledge me, 40 minutes later I go up asked them whats goin on they say there full, I feel like Im in cardiac arrest, so I tell them to call 911 them cause I need to go to another hospital. They tell me that isnt something they can do, so I go outside trying to catch my breath and call myself. 10 minutes later a fire truck shows up, Im not sure why, and they explain to me that they are getting a bed in there for me, now they have that ability. Wtf!!!!! I have to call 911 to get this hospital to see that I exist and now they have a bed available. Now if you have a condition that you can see, its taken very serious, all hands on deck, but if a person is suffering from a mental condition, they think you will be ok and they can get to you when they get time, now whoever the fuck thinks this is true, try drilling a screw into your brain, and see how it feels!! Or for no reason what so ever, have this sudden terror, like someone was chasing you with a knife and almost stabbed you, or you were held hostage and just made it out alive, and you cant shake that feeling you are still that elevated and you just want to calm down, of course the doctor is going to give you a pill, well its the same situation for a person with ptsd, or GAD, they come in and say I need my medication, examine them, treat them like the person who ate too many god damn burgers and now has heart disease, you dont discriminate there, do you say, well if you didnt eat all that fattening food. Well its the same for people that have anxiety issues to we really need to be interrogated when we come in for medication and then be threatened with a 72 hour hold for a psych evaluation, all I wanted was my god damn meds now you are gonna make me bi polar, you son of a bitch!!!! Its been an awful week most of it a blur I could write on and on cause alot of crazy shit happened, but the craziest thing I never got those meds from the doctor, the hospitals wouldnt even give anxiety pills out, dumb nurse wanted to give me a mood stabilizer they dont pass out ativan, or medicine like that. It was fate how I got my meds it wasnt thru a doctor, I dont know if its smart to say it here, but it was while I was waiting, they were going to be thrown out anyways so I said hey I'll take em and let after waiting 6 hours without seeing a doctor this was my fourth hospital visit. Do I want to hurt myself, not at all, did I want to hurt somebody else, yeah... the next asshole in the hospital that asks me that instead of whats seems to be the problem?