Sunday, August 26, 2012

Doctors seat...

I never went to the doctors, I wanna tell you it was out of trust, part of that was true but the biggest reason, fear. For out of nowhere I couldn't go so I stopped, I wanna say it was 20. I think it was that dumb ass dentist that stopped in mid procedure and said" I can't finish pulling this tooth, your crying to much Michele" Are you  kidding me!!! Blood was leaking around the tooth, and here I am emotional enough about the procedure now I blood filling in my mouth. So I drive myself to the nearest hospital and in to yanks its out! Two different doctors, one had no problem, laid me back told me it was going to be ok, asked me what classes I was in and Bam! its out. Now with my dentist who I saw on a regular basis, couldn't finish the procedure, is he meeting the standard level of care? Was this acceptable what he did? I used this example because it scarred me for a long time, and it is for perfect to use what is happening to me now damn full circle!!!  Moving on into the future.....almost 20 years later, it took me to go back to a doctor, I decided to get a primary care doctor. This was a huge fear that I faced, putting faith in this profession again, to people who will have me in their hands, omg!! Ok Im not going into my life story but alot has happened between that point, and I did get on disability for bipolar, you do need to know that it will come into play.  So I get my first everything with him even my first papsmere, yuk! So there I did it. Then I get on that medicine at many took, noone knew how it would react,  Acutane. I was desparate. It wasn't a pimple here and there, I had cystic acne and these were so painful they would get underneath my arms , in my groin area, so when it was suggested that it would work, of course I said please! Now I have other health issues , so the primary care doctor, the administrator, and psyciatrist are suppose to watch this drug and the blood work very closely, hand and hand they said. I thought this must be very strong but they are doctors, they are taking my blood, give these doctors a chance, your at a hospital, this on a computer, so they all should be connected, no worries. Dont ever trust someone that much!!!!!! You will learn later why!  In November at a dinner party, my neck out of nowhere, had limited movement. It felt like someone put a tight glove over it. I was so scared, I never felt pain before in my life, not once. I thought it was a chiropractic issue, you know its your neck, so I called my old therapist, who was also a chiropractor. Now there was not much she could do but diagnose the problem, didnt know that, I thought she could adjust it, but since i wasnt her client its against the law, but she told me to go my doctor and have him look me over and then see what he says to make sure. I did just that. I didnt see anyone at first for my problem he gave me some high dose tylenol and sent me on my way. I was in tears, he said i could be stressed out, he didnt feel anything wrong, there is nowhere he can send me and this was the first time I heard this from him but I would hear this many more times " are you on your period". Now what the hell does that have to do with my neck I have no idea but for some reason that came out of his mouth.  This was the beginning of my pain and when it started and I started to feel more and more, finally he said " I can send you to a chiropractor i dont know if that will help" , he always made me feel like it was all in my head. He did say many times for me to get ahold of my self, My emotions got the best of myself, " you need another anti depressant, your moods are unstable". Very cold about. He wasnt a psychiatrist he was my doctor suppose to treat this pain which was never diagnosed until three years later, in 10 minutes by another doctor touched in the same places he did when I laid down in the same position, she had the same table he did too. I had asked for a referral to see RA doctor for a long time, he said you dont have arthitis, I told him I have this pain, at least to be checked out something is wrong. I tested positive for a RA factor over two years ago, to him that didnt mean anything, I was a too sensivtive, finally getting to the point a month ago I demanded a referral, I got it, and no he was right I dont have RA, I have fibromyalgia!!!  Had that SOB let me go two years ago when I asked, I would found out, had he took me seriously and not wrote me off as some bipolar nut on the period I would have received the treatment I deserved long ago and not suffered in pain for over two years. Ohh and the chiropractor he sent me to, I told her I was not getting better, something is wrong, she adjusted me, pushed on those same spots to, do they not know what fibromyalgia is either or was she just to worried about her meal ticket, because every time she pushed in the same spots the doctor did it sore and I told her that. After three years you go to a chiroprator and its getting worse, she doesnt think to say " something else is wrong michele you need to get checked out" Trust noone !!! Now I am getting a second opinion, even though fibromyalgia makes so much sense now, but a patient like me wouldn't know to look it up, but I  know now to pay attention to every thing, fear nothing, trust nothing!

Monday, August 20, 2012

what did you mean by that?

when people can't find a way to say what they mean,  many will use another approach to do so or not say it all.  There are reasons why they don't come out right out and clearly communicate what thought is in their head. Their afraid of the reaction, don't want to take responsibility for their own words, want to defend themselves and don't know how,  want to inflict harm by using smoke and mirrors, and so many other ways to run circles around you instead of directly coming to you. That is the biggest fear, coming to you, saying what issues I have about you. So instead, It's nice to use others tools, some chose, Passive/Aggressive, or complete avoidance.  That solves the problem you see, not  I don't have to address it all. You are longer in my life and I find a new you, people are now like phone, disposable, and we are pathetic and shallow weak minded individuals that cant face fear, if someone has an issue you communication is too much a challenge to say, you know " what did you mean by that? and can we discuss that,,, rather than other fear tools you use that keep on the disposable friends cycle!

Tuesday, August 14, 2012


I've heard people say, life is about the journey not the destination. Ok that makes sense, you go along your days meet different people, go different places and pick up things along the way. To a person like me, I have to make it much more than that. Now I have a puzzle too. Why the hell all the analogies have to exist who knows, but I guess they make this life we live in easier to explain, because, people and how they operate is the most difficult thing to describe. The puzzle came to me, because I analyze myself all the time, and when I find a piece that will better my action, I change the behavior, and imagine the piece connecting together. I become obsessed at finishing this puzzle, what can I do next? Is this ok how I am? What can I change? The reason for my puzzle and why it was shattered in the first place, is like many others, trauma, addiction, abuse, and now I am putting the pieces back together. So I see the table with the pieces scattered about, can I be happy with them sitting on the table, as other puzzles do, and come put them together when I can? I want to practice that today, that's why I thought of the journey analogy, there is much growth learned along the way and it can be learned in a single day, but its diffucult sometimes when your in pain and you want it to just go away, so some same, Just for today!

Saturday, August 11, 2012

Extended stay....

Flight delayed!!! A sigh of relief, or so it seemed. for over the past hour I have lost my mind so yes right now knowing I have some time to exhale, was cool. We all sit, some calm and ok with whats going on, and some not ok, especially people with  connecting flights.  Now D3, is operated by one woman, to handle all of us, but at the time we just thought the plane was on the way, and in the air. As time passed, half hour after half hour, the line grew at her desk. People were now very upset, some looking for other planes to connect with, at this point cincinnati was not their option. As far as The people going to Cincinnati, like myself have no idea what is going on. I have no way of speaking to her ,she is flooded with this line of Angry people, and for us to even go up and disturb the process, is like walking up to a pack of wolves while feeding. We took the other route, we called customer service, and found out we had another hour delay time, they were repairing our plane, "Repairing our plane"!!!

Friday, August 10, 2012


You ever had one of those days, blah blah, insert..Murphy's law, because yes everything went wrong leaving Ft.Lauderdale heading home.  I set the clock for 6:00am, flight was for 8:00, friend said airport is close so we will have time to get there. Now when I woke up, the only thing my mind remembers about what he said was we will have time, so I hit snooze a few, and crawled about a 6:00am pace. Before I know it, he comes in and says " is there anything i can to speed up this process? " . Now why is he saying this Im wondering, well I look down and it's damn near 7:00am, shit!!! Im stomping out of the apartment, looking at him crazy, as if its his fault, and whatever else needed done forget it were out. Now usually you get time to cry in the car, say how much you  are going to miss each other, and we should do this again sometime soon. Well now at 7:15 we are weaving in and out of traffic, and avoiding some construction garbage that we almost hit along the way. By the time I pull up, it was me pulling my shit out of his car, see ya call you when i land, ok take care, off he goes.  So now Im in great luckily all i have to is go to the little kiosk and print my ticket. Yeah there are about thirty people around me in line, why is there a line for self check in. Oh noe I gotta check in with somebody this isnt right so I go to someone with a uniform a football field away and ask where is my kiosk and she points back to that mess. Im thinking that cant be right, these people look like there checkin in, and sure enough they were, thanks you old Hag, they were, in the wrong line. Now past 7:30 gotta go thru security and I land right in front of a mother strapped on a baby, and guess what, she has all kinds of liquids, this means they are looking thru her bag, OMG!!! I need to go are you serious, I want to scream, but can you at a mother, I am smiling saying oh its ok, bullshit its not are you kidding me one damn bottle how much is that baby drinking on a flight. So after me stripping all my goods thru check point, Its 7:45 and I see what i really need, coffee gotta get some before the flight it takes them an hour before service so i had to stop. So as i am getting it I hear over the P.A. "If someone left there laptop at the checkpoint please return to collect it" Son of a bitch and yes I its me, they make you take it out of your bag and i left mine, so I leave my coffee run back, she asks what kind it is, I tell her, and then we verify it by pictures well my lifestyle is in Bdsm, and wouldn't you know it, some of the asses i spanked popped up first, then my pic of the crop hanging out of my mouth, that was verification enough. We are on borrowed time now, I run back grab my coffee, and its like 7:55 at this point and Im not kidding the flight was delayed, this begins my wait in the airport. I am going to continue this I had no idea it was going to be this long, there is much more to the story....